I'm an avid reader, and Goodreads is my favorite app for exploring new books and authors. I also tend to be quite a slow and careful reader (I make it through maaaaybe a book or two a month on average), so I am usually highly selective about my books, and I have no problem abandoning a book before I finish it if it hasn't captured me. Who has time for that?! Not me, Ms. Slowy McSlowReader!
My selective book vetting doesn't necessarily mean I have a discerning taste in books -- it just means that I like what I like. Sure, I read my (small) share of "high-brow" books, and my reading materials span a diverse range of genres, but darn it all if I get a hankering for some cheesy chick lit or low-common-denominator popular fiction, then I'll go ahead choose that sillier selection, and I'll do so without any hesitation or guilt.
One of the reasons I enjoy Goodreads is because of the reader reviews, and I often rely on those reviews as I vet my next book choice. While I've read many reviews, I've never written one of my own. Because the truth is, not only am I a slow reader, I'm a slow, ploddy writer too. Therefore, I just haven't wanted to mess with the time, energy and brain power it takes to crank out a decent book review. Plus, I generally don't want to risk sounding like an inarticulate, shallow-headed moron. Silly fears, perhaps -- especially since I never much care if I sound like an idiot here on the blog -- but real fears all the same.
All that said, I recently read an article that talked about the importance of contemplation as a means to fuel productivity and happiness. One quote that stood out from the article is "The most productive and successful people tend to find ways to force themselves to think more deeply." Reading that article was a little bit of a wake-up call for me. Was I missing a greater sense of fulfillment by failing to take the time to reflect after finishing a book?
It didn't take long for me to answer that question with a big fat YES, yes I WAS missing out. Because, truth be told, lately I've been feeling quite a vacancy in the "fulfillment" and "meaning" buckets of my life (what else is new...oy). So, if taking a little reflection time to write a book review might help me to capture a tiny taste of contentment, no matter how fleeting, I decided it was worth the time and the risk of sounding like a simpleton.
Since reading that article, I've written not one, but TWO Goodreads reviews. I painfully (and embarrassingly) overthought my first rambling, lengthy review - especially considering it was a somewhat fluffy memoir about weight loss. The writing of my second review came much more freely and easily -- a brief reflection on a piece of historical fiction. Neither review is particularly deep or scholarly, however, if you are interested in reading them, you can check them out here and here.
Ultimately, the resulting end product of the written reviews isn't really the point at all. The point is, simply by partaking in the exercise of focused reflection and writing, I did somehow feel more connected, engaged and in-tune with myself and with world-at-large, if only for a limited time.
Of course, a contemplative practice need not be solely for the sake of crafting a book reviews. My writing here, after all, is one big deep think practice at purposefully digging beneath the surface, to work out my shiznit, and explore new angles and perspectives. And given my continued struggle with finding and maintaining any sense of productive focus and sustained feelings of happiness, maybe it would be good for me to start challenging myself to do this contemplative writing thing with a little more discipline and frequency.
Challenge...accepted.
Showing posts with label My Reinvention. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Reinvention. Show all posts
Monday, November 21, 2016
Friday, October 21, 2016
Friluftsliv...that "Free Air Life"
Norwegians embrace something called Friluftsliv (pronounced free -loofts-liv) which to the best of my understanding, means to be fully uplifted and enchanted by nature. The literal English translation of Friluftsliv is "free air life," but there is no single word in English to fully capture its essence and authentic meaning.
Friluftsliv seems to be considered a code of life and a way of being in Norway, and according to this article, this in-depth appreciation for and exploration of the world outdoors is even taught in "folk" high schools (though I'm not sure exactly what a "folk" high school is all about).
Last Sunday was an absolutely beautiful fall day here in Minne, with the colors peaking and the air still warm and inviting. I am the first to admit that I'm not the most at home in the great outdoors. Friluftsliv is not instinctual for me. I'm not one for bugs and dirt, and I have turned down invites to camp without a worry for what I might miss as I opted to stay at home with wine in hand while streaming Netflix. But I could not pass up a day outdoors last Sunday, breathing in fall with all of my senses, without a concern for clock time or my incomplete checklists of tasks and to dos. Time well spent need not be monitored.
So, I laced up my running shoes run the 10-mile path around the Chain of Lakes (#56 on my 2016 List), to capture some of the spirit of Minnesota Fall as best as my iPhone camera lens would allow, to let myself be completely captivated, curious, inspired and swept up by nature.
I took over 100 photos...and here are just a few of my favorites. An ode to Autumn. An attempt to walk the path of Friluftsliv, if only for a taste.
Friluftsliv seems to be considered a code of life and a way of being in Norway, and according to this article, this in-depth appreciation for and exploration of the world outdoors is even taught in "folk" high schools (though I'm not sure exactly what a "folk" high school is all about).
Last Sunday was an absolutely beautiful fall day here in Minne, with the colors peaking and the air still warm and inviting. I am the first to admit that I'm not the most at home in the great outdoors. Friluftsliv is not instinctual for me. I'm not one for bugs and dirt, and I have turned down invites to camp without a worry for what I might miss as I opted to stay at home with wine in hand while streaming Netflix. But I could not pass up a day outdoors last Sunday, breathing in fall with all of my senses, without a concern for clock time or my incomplete checklists of tasks and to dos. Time well spent need not be monitored.
So, I laced up my running shoes run the 10-mile path around the Chain of Lakes (#56 on my 2016 List), to capture some of the spirit of Minnesota Fall as best as my iPhone camera lens would allow, to let myself be completely captivated, curious, inspired and swept up by nature.
I took over 100 photos...and here are just a few of my favorites. An ode to Autumn. An attempt to walk the path of Friluftsliv, if only for a taste.
On the way to Lake Harriet near Dupont
A fenceline on the way to Lake Harriet
The last stretch before the Lake Harriet ped and bike path
Lake Harriet, with some of the MPLS skyline peaking through
Lake Harriet
Lake Calhoun pedestrian path
An Isle in the Lake of the Isles
Colorful branches shade the Lake of the Isles
Lake of the Isles lilypads
Lake Calhoun
More fall foliage along Lake Harriet
Lake Harriet ped and bike paths
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
The American Dream
For those who know me personally, you may know that earlier this year, B and I bought a house. I am immensely proud of this, an "American Dream" type of milestone that, for a while, I thought I could never reach. As a long-time, self-proclaimed homebody, home ownership is the single element of the American dream that I have most wanted to make a part of my reality.
A decade ago I was living in expensive Chicago and trying to enjoy my young, urban life, doing my best to decompress from 60+ hour work weeks, while trying (and failing) to keep my head above the waves of my personal debt, waves that had been ripping and swelling since I turned 18.
Although I had a job and a career that paid decently, I was always playing 'catch up' with my credit card bills, car payment, cell phone and utility bills, and chipping away that effing expensive student loan, the loan that made for damn certain I would start my adult life in 5 figure debt. My credit rating was pretty deplorable, like a D grade or something, and I think the only reason it wasn't totally flushed down the toilet was because I paid that damn student loan on time each and every month, the only bill I managed to never pay late thanks to auto pay, my only financial saving grace.
At this time in my life, several of my friends were starting that very grownup journey of buying their first homes, either with their life partner or completely on their own. Given my frustrating financial situation, I resigned myself to the looming reality that homeownership was likely never going to be in the cards for me, not with my ocean of debt and my difficulty reigning it in. I was envious of my monetarily stable friends, and shameful of my financial failures.
Still, I never threw in the towel on eventually getting my financial game on track. I finally got fed up enough with juggling my debt, so I read some books on personal finance, and I set up a strict monthly budget and excel spreadsheet to track my expenditures (it's actually the same spreadsheet that I still use today -- I tried Mint.com, but I am better with a more 'old school', self tracking approach). I scaled back on 'extras' and immediate gratification purchases, putting that saved money toward paying off each of my debts, one at a time (Thank you, Dave Ramsey and the Debt Snowball Method!). I started setting aside the tiniest amount of savings each month. Getting out of the red and into the black was my laser focus, and would be for the next few years. It sounds a lot easier than it actually was.
And then finally, a few years later, homeownership started to seem like not such an 'out of reach' idea after all. I had practically eliminated my credit card debt and car payment. I was still on track with that student loan (that I finally paid off not too long ago), and I even had some legit savings.
I'm proud that I cleared my personal debt, born from a combination of my young, stupid mistakes and sheer, unavoidable necessity. It took sacrifice, it took planning, it took hard work and sticking to my demanding (but ultimately well-paying) career path, and it took time (years!), but I persevered. I can't imagine if I'd be able to do it if I were graduating from college today, with the ever inflating cost of education, or if I had chosen a different, if not more noble career path, like public service or the arts. But, that's a completely separate topic, and one where I have MANY strong opinions.
Fast forward to today, and my financial life (and pretty much my whole life) is a different story. Now living in Minne, I'd describe my living situation as 'urban light' and the cost of living is much more sustainable than Chicago (but it's still a bigger city...). My survival budgeting and money saving practices born in Chicago days have become long-term, indestructible habits. B and I were able to pay up front and out of pocket for our very classy (IMO) wedding soiree in 2014, and last year I was even able to take a small break from the necessity of the 'corporate hustle' to re-evaluate my interests and goals (and perhaps surprisingly, it turns out I actually like a lot of aspects of the 'corporate hustle' and it's nice to discover that on my terms versus financial necessity). All the while, I saved funds to pool with Bs to put toward a down payment on the house we purchased together earlier this year.
My home. My little piece of the American Dream, one that I am so thankful to have, and that I will not take for granted.
Welcome to our house!
And...I even planted that little potted herb garden that I wanted so much. Next year we're expanding our 'farming' to include tomatoes and other veggies.
And, don't get me started on the laundry list of cool house projects (mostly outdoor given the warmer months) that B has taken on! Turns out my husband is a pretty handy fellow, lucky (braggy) me!
Our new firepit, designed and installed by B. S'mores, anyone?
B's first major project as a homeowner - staining the deck, matey's!
A decade ago I was living in expensive Chicago and trying to enjoy my young, urban life, doing my best to decompress from 60+ hour work weeks, while trying (and failing) to keep my head above the waves of my personal debt, waves that had been ripping and swelling since I turned 18.
Although I had a job and a career that paid decently, I was always playing 'catch up' with my credit card bills, car payment, cell phone and utility bills, and chipping away that effing expensive student loan, the loan that made for damn certain I would start my adult life in 5 figure debt. My credit rating was pretty deplorable, like a D grade or something, and I think the only reason it wasn't totally flushed down the toilet was because I paid that damn student loan on time each and every month, the only bill I managed to never pay late thanks to auto pay, my only financial saving grace.
At this time in my life, several of my friends were starting that very grownup journey of buying their first homes, either with their life partner or completely on their own. Given my frustrating financial situation, I resigned myself to the looming reality that homeownership was likely never going to be in the cards for me, not with my ocean of debt and my difficulty reigning it in. I was envious of my monetarily stable friends, and shameful of my financial failures.
Still, I never threw in the towel on eventually getting my financial game on track. I finally got fed up enough with juggling my debt, so I read some books on personal finance, and I set up a strict monthly budget and excel spreadsheet to track my expenditures (it's actually the same spreadsheet that I still use today -- I tried Mint.com, but I am better with a more 'old school', self tracking approach). I scaled back on 'extras' and immediate gratification purchases, putting that saved money toward paying off each of my debts, one at a time (Thank you, Dave Ramsey and the Debt Snowball Method!). I started setting aside the tiniest amount of savings each month. Getting out of the red and into the black was my laser focus, and would be for the next few years. It sounds a lot easier than it actually was.
And then finally, a few years later, homeownership started to seem like not such an 'out of reach' idea after all. I had practically eliminated my credit card debt and car payment. I was still on track with that student loan (that I finally paid off not too long ago), and I even had some legit savings.
I'm proud that I cleared my personal debt, born from a combination of my young, stupid mistakes and sheer, unavoidable necessity. It took sacrifice, it took planning, it took hard work and sticking to my demanding (but ultimately well-paying) career path, and it took time (years!), but I persevered. I can't imagine if I'd be able to do it if I were graduating from college today, with the ever inflating cost of education, or if I had chosen a different, if not more noble career path, like public service or the arts. But, that's a completely separate topic, and one where I have MANY strong opinions.
Fast forward to today, and my financial life (and pretty much my whole life) is a different story. Now living in Minne, I'd describe my living situation as 'urban light' and the cost of living is much more sustainable than Chicago (but it's still a bigger city...). My survival budgeting and money saving practices born in Chicago days have become long-term, indestructible habits. B and I were able to pay up front and out of pocket for our very classy (IMO) wedding soiree in 2014, and last year I was even able to take a small break from the necessity of the 'corporate hustle' to re-evaluate my interests and goals (and perhaps surprisingly, it turns out I actually like a lot of aspects of the 'corporate hustle' and it's nice to discover that on my terms versus financial necessity). All the while, I saved funds to pool with Bs to put toward a down payment on the house we purchased together earlier this year.
My home. My little piece of the American Dream, one that I am so thankful to have, and that I will not take for granted.
Welcome to our house!
Closing day (2 days after my 36th! birthday!)
And...I even planted that little potted herb garden that I wanted so much. Next year we're expanding our 'farming' to include tomatoes and other veggies.
"Herbalicious!" Nothing smokable here, just basil, mint, rosemary & parsley.
And, don't get me started on the laundry list of cool house projects (mostly outdoor given the warmer months) that B has taken on! Turns out my husband is a pretty handy fellow, lucky (braggy) me!
Our outdoor movie projection screen. It's going to get a big work out this football season!
Friday, July 15, 2016
The Big Stuff
I'm going to cut to the chase...it's been a rough summer.
The world seems to be in some sort of maddening tailspin of pain and suffering, rampant with unbridled and age-old racism, bigotry, oppression and terrorism, filled with a self-righteous overpopulation that often seems more focused on being "Christian, white and right" than on living with compassion and love and prioritizing common ground, equality and human kindness to all. This summer alone we've been witness to Philando Castile, Miami, Brexit, Nice, Dallas, Trump and Pence...and a list of other global human driven atrocities that grows longer by the day and by the hour.
But, I'm not completely hopeless about the big stuff. I know that our world is resilient and capable of positive change. I know that we can find our way to more peaceful, compassionate and equal footing for everyone.
I don't know the answers, but I know that change at least starts by acknowledging the realness of the problems we have and their complexities, by having deep and productive conversations about important issues even if they make us uncomfortable, by educating ourselves, and by getting involved in our communities and showing love and compassion to one another. Being a bystander and an apologist is not an option for me. I plan to be a part of those big, important next steps. "One foot in front of the other." It's time to move forward.
The world seems to be in some sort of maddening tailspin of pain and suffering, rampant with unbridled and age-old racism, bigotry, oppression and terrorism, filled with a self-righteous overpopulation that often seems more focused on being "Christian, white and right" than on living with compassion and love and prioritizing common ground, equality and human kindness to all. This summer alone we've been witness to Philando Castile, Miami, Brexit, Nice, Dallas, Trump and Pence...and a list of other global human driven atrocities that grows longer by the day and by the hour.
But, I'm not completely hopeless about the big stuff. I know that our world is resilient and capable of positive change. I know that we can find our way to more peaceful, compassionate and equal footing for everyone.
I don't know the answers, but I know that change at least starts by acknowledging the realness of the problems we have and their complexities, by having deep and productive conversations about important issues even if they make us uncomfortable, by educating ourselves, and by getting involved in our communities and showing love and compassion to one another. Being a bystander and an apologist is not an option for me. I plan to be a part of those big, important next steps. "One foot in front of the other." It's time to move forward.
The Small Stuff
I'm going to cut to the chase...it's been a rough summer.
This is a personal blog, so I'm going to talk specifically about one of my own, individual challenges. The small stuff, if you will. I acknowledge that my personal challenges seem petty, pale and insignificant in comparison to the pain, suffering and injustices happening to people all over the world.
At the end of the school year, I was laid off from my guidance counseling assistant job and the school that I so thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated. In more specific terms, I was "bumped," which I guess softens the blow a little, because I know that the people I worked for valued my hard work and abilities and did not want to see me permanently pack up my office and leave.
Last year I left my job on my terms, ready to leap into the unknown, eager for change and excited for the possibilities. This year, I left on someone else's terms...the motivation that revved me up last year is harder to muster up...and right now I'm feeling a bit adrift.
Adrift...but not hopeless. I've learned a lot about myself this past year and that I am more resilient and capable of change than I previously thought. I know that eventually I will find my way. I have some ideas on my next steps, and now it's a simple matter of choosing one rabbit to chase."One foot in front of the other." It's time to move forward.
But that's just the small stuff...
This is a personal blog, so I'm going to talk specifically about one of my own, individual challenges. The small stuff, if you will. I acknowledge that my personal challenges seem petty, pale and insignificant in comparison to the pain, suffering and injustices happening to people all over the world.
At the end of the school year, I was laid off from my guidance counseling assistant job and the school that I so thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated. In more specific terms, I was "bumped," which I guess softens the blow a little, because I know that the people I worked for valued my hard work and abilities and did not want to see me permanently pack up my office and leave.
Last year I left my job on my terms, ready to leap into the unknown, eager for change and excited for the possibilities. This year, I left on someone else's terms...the motivation that revved me up last year is harder to muster up...and right now I'm feeling a bit adrift.
Adrift...but not hopeless. I've learned a lot about myself this past year and that I am more resilient and capable of change than I previously thought. I know that eventually I will find my way. I have some ideas on my next steps, and now it's a simple matter of choosing one rabbit to chase."One foot in front of the other." It's time to move forward.
But that's just the small stuff...
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Self Care & Self Reflection
Three months ago, I took the first steps down an entirely new career path when I accepted a guidance counseling assistant position at a public school in St. Paul. Specifically, I oversee the standardized testing that occurs at our school, I manage student records, and I even have the opportunity to advise students on certain topics -- but I'm not a licensed counselor, so my opportunities in that realm are a bit more limited.
My past three months working in education have been an incredibly fulfilling and enlightening experience. My position provides me with a looking glass into several directions I could potentially pursue if I ultimately decide to build a long-term career in education. I've had people ask if I plan to someday become a licensed counselor, or would I ever want to consider teaching and get a teaching licence, or perhaps I might eventually pursue a position at a district level versus supporting a specific school, or maybe even venture into political pursuits or policy making that focus on education improvement (I do have many thoughts on testing now!). And yes, I've let my mind wander and ponder what each of these paths could look like. But, it's all a bit premature, given I'm so completely new to this world and I have a lot to learn.
However, for now, I'm trying to focus on my current responsibilities and do them to the best of my abilities without getting too swept up in the excitement and stress of identifying the next big achievement goal. A key lesson from my career pause, after all, is to stay present in the "here-and-now", to live fully in each moment without getting too caught up in a specific narrative. It can be fun to dream, sure, but I have a tendency to get swept up in those dreams only to then to inject unreasonably high expectations and stress so that those dreams shift into more of a nightmarish territory.
It's not always easy to stay present, and I do find that now that I'm working full time again, I fall victim to some of my old and exhausting habits. My perfectionist inclinations and my inner control freak have followed me into my new career path. Those traits did not magically disappear just because I left the "high powered" world of corporate strategy and consulting. However, now I am much better about catching myself when these tendencies surface, and guide myself to a gentler, more caring state of mind.
In December, just before I started my new job, I chose to end my "career time out" with a Yoga retreat to Tulum, MX with my yoga studio. For 5 days, I had the incredible gift to practice self-care in an epic, inspiring, natural paradise, to reflect upon the big risk that I took when I left my job and finally allowed myself to imagine a very different sort of life, and redefine what "success" means for me (hint: it's not about "stuff" or income brackets).
Returning to that state of mind that I captured during my time off and during the Yoga retreat helps me to reconnect with my true intentions for the kind of life I want to live and the person I want to be. When I find the stress kicking up and the worry sinking in, I remind myself to "float down the river", to embrace the ambiguity and transition, and to relish in each messy, beautiful, chaotic, glorious moment.
My past three months working in education have been an incredibly fulfilling and enlightening experience. My position provides me with a looking glass into several directions I could potentially pursue if I ultimately decide to build a long-term career in education. I've had people ask if I plan to someday become a licensed counselor, or would I ever want to consider teaching and get a teaching licence, or perhaps I might eventually pursue a position at a district level versus supporting a specific school, or maybe even venture into political pursuits or policy making that focus on education improvement (I do have many thoughts on testing now!). And yes, I've let my mind wander and ponder what each of these paths could look like. But, it's all a bit premature, given I'm so completely new to this world and I have a lot to learn.
However, for now, I'm trying to focus on my current responsibilities and do them to the best of my abilities without getting too swept up in the excitement and stress of identifying the next big achievement goal. A key lesson from my career pause, after all, is to stay present in the "here-and-now", to live fully in each moment without getting too caught up in a specific narrative. It can be fun to dream, sure, but I have a tendency to get swept up in those dreams only to then to inject unreasonably high expectations and stress so that those dreams shift into more of a nightmarish territory.
It's not always easy to stay present, and I do find that now that I'm working full time again, I fall victim to some of my old and exhausting habits. My perfectionist inclinations and my inner control freak have followed me into my new career path. Those traits did not magically disappear just because I left the "high powered" world of corporate strategy and consulting. However, now I am much better about catching myself when these tendencies surface, and guide myself to a gentler, more caring state of mind.
In December, just before I started my new job, I chose to end my "career time out" with a Yoga retreat to Tulum, MX with my yoga studio. For 5 days, I had the incredible gift to practice self-care in an epic, inspiring, natural paradise, to reflect upon the big risk that I took when I left my job and finally allowed myself to imagine a very different sort of life, and redefine what "success" means for me (hint: it's not about "stuff" or income brackets).
Returning to that state of mind that I captured during my time off and during the Yoga retreat helps me to reconnect with my true intentions for the kind of life I want to live and the person I want to be. When I find the stress kicking up and the worry sinking in, I remind myself to "float down the river", to embrace the ambiguity and transition, and to relish in each messy, beautiful, chaotic, glorious moment.
Seaside Selfie.
Lighter in mind, body (by more than 25# at the time this photo was taken...even more now!) and spirit than when I first left my job at the end of May, 2015.
Lighter in mind, body (by more than 25# at the time this photo was taken...even more now!) and spirit than when I first left my job at the end of May, 2015.
Easy breezy beach side in Mexico.
Here I am, climbing a Mayan Ruin.
I captured this majestic sunrise my last morning in Tulum.
What a perfect way to end one chapter, and begin another.
What a perfect way to end one chapter, and begin another.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Always In Transition
"Humans [are] transitional beings - beings who are neither fully caught nor fully free but are in the process of awakening...I'm in the process of becoming, in the process of evolving...I'm creating my future with every word, every action, every thought."
I love this excerpt from Pema Chodron's book, Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change, which I'm currently reading. It's a powerful reminder that we are all transient; nothing about our lives is permanent nor guaranteed.
I find a mix of both peace and apprehension with the knowledge of my own fluidity. It's easy to cling to certain perceptions and ideas we have about ourselves, both good and bad. It's a clear cut solution to set very specific goals and begin the steadfast march along a specific course of action. My natural tendency, my go-to inclination, is to attempt to control and corral the world around me.
I don't think I'm alone in this desire to want to control, to keep things fixed and comfortable. The irony is that, in that effort to control everything, when the world inevitably throws a wrench in our carefully laid plans, we often feel anything but easy breezy.
While it is scary and challenging to "let go" and "just be," I am learning that it is extremely empowering to grant myself the freedom to flow, to change my mind and views as I gain new insight from the world around me, to lean into the obstacles and explore new routes rather than resist them simply because they were unexpected. I am learning to accept the world as it is (in all of its infinite chaos), and me as I am (and my infinite chaos), while inviting in the room to evolve, to grow, to change.
I find a mix of both peace and apprehension with the knowledge of my own fluidity. It's easy to cling to certain perceptions and ideas we have about ourselves, both good and bad. It's a clear cut solution to set very specific goals and begin the steadfast march along a specific course of action. My natural tendency, my go-to inclination, is to attempt to control and corral the world around me.
I don't think I'm alone in this desire to want to control, to keep things fixed and comfortable. The irony is that, in that effort to control everything, when the world inevitably throws a wrench in our carefully laid plans, we often feel anything but easy breezy.
While it is scary and challenging to "let go" and "just be," I am learning that it is extremely empowering to grant myself the freedom to flow, to change my mind and views as I gain new insight from the world around me, to lean into the obstacles and explore new routes rather than resist them simply because they were unexpected. I am learning to accept the world as it is (in all of its infinite chaos), and me as I am (and my infinite chaos), while inviting in the room to evolve, to grow, to change.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
"We Plan, God Laughs"
It's been just about four months since I left the corporate gig, and these days, I am a BUSY little bee! While I still find time more time than the average working bear to flop and laze (you might recall the "flop and laze" is pretty much the defining characteristic of my early weeks of FUNemployment), I now have quite the packed calendar.
Four months ago, I could never have guessed that where I am now is where I would be. Oh, I had ideas...but reality was quick to remind me of the pure TRUTH of that old Yiddish Proverb, "We plan, God Laughs."
I'll let you in on a little secret. I am a burgeoning oenephile (though that is not really a secret to those who know me well). While I've imbibed in wine for many years, it's only been in the past few years that I've gotten more passionate and committed to learning the details and intricacies of the wonderful world of wine (especially those delicious sparklers!) In fact, I was SUPPOSED to begin a semester long, in-depth wine professional/sommelier certification program this fall...but my program was cancelled. I signed up for the program before I quit my job, so when the program was cancelled, I was bummed, to say the least. Sure, it's just a temporary road block and I'm exploring other programs (and keeping my eye out for this program to potentially start up in the winter), but that program was meant to be my fall anchor and provide the momentum to launch of a whole new career! Now what was I supposed to do?!
In the absence of a formal wine program at my finger tips, I decided the least I could do was visit a few new wineries, my own little independent study. I visited a Minnesota Winery (#79 on my 2015 List) called Warehouse Winery, conveniently located right here in the Twin Cities. While the space was cool, and it was fun to learn about Minnesota's cold climate grapes, including those grown in the St Croix river valley, I wasn't in love with the wines themselves. Additionally, I just returned from a brief vacation to San Francisco to visit my friends W+D and drink plenty of wine. My trip to SF included a day sojourn to Napa, where we visited not one, but 3 new-to-me California wineries (#81 on my list). We decided to focus on bubbles for the day and visited Domaine Carneros (my favorite of the 3), Chandon and Mumm. After our day of wine tastings, we even managed to score a table at Bouchon for dinner in the chichi Napa town of Yountville. Bouchon is a Thomas Keller restaurant, and I soon learned he is kind of a big deal chef. Dinner at Bouchon did not disappoint and was a great way to close out our Napa day trip.
I am also filling the void by hitting the fitness beat hard. I've always enjoyed working out, but it was something I consistently downgraded and sacrificed back in my consultant days in favor of bending over backward for demanding clients and colleagues on projects that really didn't fire me up. Well, now that I don't have that pesky JOB thing to deal with, I'm working out 5-6 days a week, and sometimes twice in one day. My workouts include OTF interval training 2-3 times a week, running 2-3 times a week (gearing up for the Medtronic TC 10 Mile race next weekend), and practicing yoga 1-3 times a week. Also, over past 6 weeks or so, have cleaned up my eating quite a bit, and am on a 40+ day streak logging my foodstuffs into MyFitnessPal. My newfound healthy habits seem to be paying off. In fact, I've lost 21 lbs since I left my career at the end of May. I haven't felt this strong and healthy in years!
Perhaps the most unexpected development is that I have a JOB(ish)! I'm currently volunteering four afternoons a week at a Title I Saint Paul public secondary school, serving as the Stage Manager for the Fall Musical production of Little Shop of Horrors. What's funny about this is that I have ZE-to the-RO experience working in any kind of theater. Thankfully, I'm an enthusiastic learner, I have plenty of experience volunteering with kids, and I'm pretty tight with the director (he was a groomsmen in our wedding). I'm learning a ton, and I even had the opportunity to meet with a professional stage manager to help me learn some of the ropes. Essentially though, I'm an extra pair of hands to help further the efforts of a theater program that has limited resources, and I want to do the best job I can to make a positive contribution.
The most fulfilling thing about volunteering with the production so far is, of course, the kids.They are fricking awesome, and I love them. They are so passionate and fun, and it's a thrill to get to know them and share this learning experience with them. According to some of the kids, my selfie game is strong, my outfits are on fleek, I'm way younger than they thought I'd be, I'm not too annoying, I'm sort of cool, but I really cannot dance. Hey, I'll take what I can get! I also now know what "BAE" and "THOT" stand for. I'm a little behind on today's slang, but nothing like hanging out with 6th thru 12th graders to get up to speed.
So, that's where I am now. Each day, I'm growing more comfortable with living life without a storyline (Pema Chodron's words, per the link) opting instead to do my best to roll with ebbs and flows of life versus trying to commandeer and manipulate every darn little thing to my liking and resisting life's natural currents and inevitable obstacles. It's not easy, but I am happy to be learning to live in this more open-minded way, a way that acknowledges that my life's script is one of infinite fluidity, never to be set in stone. I feel more free, more empowered, and more aware of new opportunities and paths that I might have otherwise overlooked; paths that have perhaps been there all along, just waiting for me to be ready to explore more freely. And the journey continues...
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
## Hashtag BLESSED (and also hashtag sorrynotsorry for that obnoxious hashtag) ##
Greetings from the Mitten State! I do apologize for not putting up my "out of office" so to speak, and leaving my blog to collect dust for a couple of weeks (as if that hasn't happened before!) I'm nearing the end of an 18 day Michigan trip, bouncing around along the I-94 corridor. I haven't been "home" to MI for a stretch this lengthy since I moved away to Chicago 9 years ago, and it has been such a pleasure to have more than a second to spend with my MI friends and family - and it still doesn't feel like enough time!
Brian joined me for the first half of the trip. We drove to MI together, with a quick overnight stop in the CHI to pick up our friend Matt. I dropped the fellas off in New Buffalo, a cute little beach town just inside the MI border, where they met with 8 of Matt's friends in a rented "beach bungalow" for Matt's bachelor weekend, complete with plenty of steaks, golf, boating, gambling and beach time. During their dude bro weekend, I spent some time near South Haven to camp with my sister and brother-in-law in their beast of a camper, and to celebrate my sister's birthday at their campsite, along with a gaggle of family members. I'm rather impressed with myself to say that, during my time camping with them, I successfully managed to slow down time enough to enjoy a beach side sunset, and a sunrise run the next morning before heading south down the lake to pick up B.
I picked B up on Sunday, and we spent a better part of the week at my Mom and Step-dad's in Portage. B had to work during the day, but joined in the festivities in the evening. My mom and I made him carrot cake cupcakes for a belated birthday celebration that night (they were pretty delicious!!) The next evening, B and I trekked back out to S. Haven to have dinner with my sister, brother-in-law and dads. The next day, I was in S. Haven AGAIN, sans B this time since he was working, but with my mom and step-dad, to enjoy one last get together with sis and bro-law before they packed up their camper to make the long return to their home in TX. And for our final evening together on the Westside, I took B on his first trip to Bell's Brewery (home of OBERON), and we treated my two early twenty-something cousins and their gorgeous gals to brews and dinner. Of course, we also had plenty of trips to Meijer throughout the week - one of my strange addictions every time I come home to MI!
The two of us headed to A2 on Thursday to celebrate my mom-in-law's 65th birthday with dinner at Pizza House. We also spent some time enjoying dinner with one of my BFF's and her husband, and the next morning, we also squeezed in a 5K that this same friend organized, before heading to the D to attend a #geekwedding of a neighborhood friend of B's from childhood. The wedding was plenty of fun, with a geek theme mashup of everything from Dr. Who to Star Wars to Video Game couples. Bonus, the in-laws were also invited to the wedding, so it was a great chance to continue to enjoy some extended family time.
After dropping B off at the airport on Sun, I had the pleasure of grabbing brunch with a friend from my childhood, who I haven't seen in ~17 (!!!) years. Serendipitous circumstances made our brunch possible -- neither of us lives in SE MI, but we both happen to be in the area at the same time, and it was such a treat to catch up.
Following brunch, I headed back to the Westside, to again stay at my Mom's for a quick stop-over. My mom, stepdad and I gabbed way into the night while enjoying a couple of beers. Although our late night beers (and the wild rainstorm that night!) made for a somewhat extra challenging 9 mile run the next morning, it was well worth it.
I'm currently at my Dad and step-dad's in Gun Plain, and I will be here until tomorrow evening before I head off to a girl's weekend near Holland, at a lovely home right on Lake MI. We've been enjoying plenty of QT here in the "country", including some time on Pine Lake Beach, a private little beach that is only for the use of those who live in my Dad's neighborhood, along with some kayaking and also some running around the lake. We've enjoyed a few nice meals, including dinner out with my aunt and cousin last night at a little Plainwell Brewery. And today, my dad and I went into Kzoo to volunteer at the Food Pantry, where I helped to bag groceries for those who came in for food. Tomorrow, we'll squeeze in a final kayak around the lake in the AM (and maybe I'll fit in a run), and a trip to the movies in the PM to check out the new Amy Schumer flick.
I cannot express how wonderful it has been to spend time with so many different loved ones over the past few weeks. Clearly, one of the voids I've been feeling has been related to the absence of family, and my heart is now so full. #BLESSED, y'all! I cringe cringe CRINGE when I see people type that trite little ##, but EFF it, right now I can think of nothing more fitting. Life is damn good!
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Escaping a Hijack
Yesterday, I cried. No obvious reason presented itself in the moment, except that my brain decided I needed to open up the tear valves and relieve the shock waves of pressure I put on myself - an imaginary, illegitimate pressure caused by momentary cases of malfunctioning circuitry inside my head.
What gives? I have temporarily eradicated any work-related pressure, and all the other external peripherals suggest I should be, by all accounts, enjoying a carefree ride, at least for the near term. And yet it seems my brain is on a constant search for ways to get me all worked up. Such is life when an anxiety disorder is always running in the background, like a useless, oversized, preloaded computer program, wreaking semi-(un)predictable havoc on an otherwise smoothly running system.
My tears lasted just moments, and B helped me to pull me out of my drive-by-funk and had me laughing and smiling again in no time. I recently learned that intense emotions have a biological life expectancy of about 90 seconds, and my mini anxiety tornado and its short-lived trajectory before dissipating into the cloud recesses of my mind suggests this new found knowledge just might be accurate.
It's a compelling little rule of thumb, The 90 Second Rule, that even the crappiest and turdiest of feelings can let go just as quickly as they grabbed hold in the first place...particularly if we are conscious enough to pull the plug on the negative circuitry to keep the pattern from reocurring. In related news, this rule on the biology of emotions was discussed in Jill Bolte Taylor's book My Stroke of Insight, which I haven't yet read, but is now on my must-have read list after watching her incredibly popular and compelling Ted Talk of the same name (it's well worth the 18 minute view).
"Curiosity" is a cognitive behavioral tool I often use to help quell the potential for an "amygdala hijack" and the resulting deep dive into the abyss of destructive thinking. I've learned to read the signs that I'm about to get sucked into a black hole of my own making. Usually, it's a mix of biological responses (tightness in my chest, a feeling that my body temperature is rising) combined with hyperbolized self talk in the form of catastrophizing and/or speaking in absolute terms ("never" "always" "best" "worst"). If I have the awareness to recognize these signs, then my next step is to allow myself to be a curious observer to my emotional experience. I like curiosity as an approach, because by definition, curiosity is all about genuine, open-minded, non-judgmental exploration. Approaching my emotions with curiosity keeps me from getting caught up the negative hype of the annoying shock jock deejay that is waiting to hijack the turntables that are the hemispheres of my brain.
So, I slipped a little this time around, and opened the door to a temporary hijack. But, even when things are good (which they, like, SO are right now, omg) the anxiety program is always running in the background, waiting to hijack my system. Diligence, practice, therapy, awareness, curiosity...that's what helps me to escape a long term hijack.
What gives? I have temporarily eradicated any work-related pressure, and all the other external peripherals suggest I should be, by all accounts, enjoying a carefree ride, at least for the near term. And yet it seems my brain is on a constant search for ways to get me all worked up. Such is life when an anxiety disorder is always running in the background, like a useless, oversized, preloaded computer program, wreaking semi-(un)predictable havoc on an otherwise smoothly running system.
My tears lasted just moments, and B helped me to pull me out of my drive-by-funk and had me laughing and smiling again in no time. I recently learned that intense emotions have a biological life expectancy of about 90 seconds, and my mini anxiety tornado and its short-lived trajectory before dissipating into the cloud recesses of my mind suggests this new found knowledge just might be accurate.
It's a compelling little rule of thumb, The 90 Second Rule, that even the crappiest and turdiest of feelings can let go just as quickly as they grabbed hold in the first place...particularly if we are conscious enough to pull the plug on the negative circuitry to keep the pattern from reocurring. In related news, this rule on the biology of emotions was discussed in Jill Bolte Taylor's book My Stroke of Insight, which I haven't yet read, but is now on my must-have read list after watching her incredibly popular and compelling Ted Talk of the same name (it's well worth the 18 minute view).
"Curiosity" is a cognitive behavioral tool I often use to help quell the potential for an "amygdala hijack" and the resulting deep dive into the abyss of destructive thinking. I've learned to read the signs that I'm about to get sucked into a black hole of my own making. Usually, it's a mix of biological responses (tightness in my chest, a feeling that my body temperature is rising) combined with hyperbolized self talk in the form of catastrophizing and/or speaking in absolute terms ("never" "always" "best" "worst"). If I have the awareness to recognize these signs, then my next step is to allow myself to be a curious observer to my emotional experience. I like curiosity as an approach, because by definition, curiosity is all about genuine, open-minded, non-judgmental exploration. Approaching my emotions with curiosity keeps me from getting caught up the negative hype of the annoying shock jock deejay that is waiting to hijack the turntables that are the hemispheres of my brain.
So, I slipped a little this time around, and opened the door to a temporary hijack. But, even when things are good (which they, like, SO are right now, omg) the anxiety program is always running in the background, waiting to hijack my system. Diligence, practice, therapy, awareness, curiosity...that's what helps me to escape a long term hijack.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
It's Not Exactly "Eat, Pray, Love"...
I'm not traveling to Italy. Or India. Or Bali. My big enlightening will unfold (hopefully it will unfold, anyway!) right here in Midwest Minne, with a few jaunty, Western-centric excursions to Michigan, British Columbia and Mexico, and possibly a few other destinations dotting the map as well.
I'm not in the midst of a divorce. Au contraire mon frere! Quite the opposite for this newlywed!
I do not make my living as a writer. No one is paying me for my dazzling prose as I get down and dirty with my amygdala. Very few people are even reading my words (about 9 readers, according to my Google stats -- don't worry, I have no clear way to know who you are, though I can educate a guess that one my mother, one is my sister, and one is my husband...). No matter, since I'm mostly writing for my own amusement anyway versus attempting to achieve some sort of sense of posterity.
However, just as Ms. Gilbert detailed in her acclaimed "Eat, Pray, Love" memoir, I too am searching for that elusive thing called purpose. My version of the journey is just a bit more "everyday average gal", and with considerably less wit, lacking in the charm or any level of profound insight.
Here's where I'm at so far on my magical journey to enlightenment, give or take a few steps and stumbles:
Step 1: Wear stretchy pants daily and watch a lot of TV. Sometimes do laundry, and try not to forget to feed the cats.
Step 2: Feel guilty for wearing stretchy pants and watching a lot of TV daily. Even though I'm doing other stuff too. Come on now, with the Netflixing four straight episodes of Drop Dead Diva. Good lord, it's a cancelled Lifetime show, for the love of Pete! Bad, bad Molly!
Step 3: Screw the guilt! When else will I ever get to sit around and just wear stretchy pants and watch a lot of TV? I don't have any kids! I don't have any major time or life commitments! And, I worked my butt off for years to earn this lazy payout, and I'm going to relax and enjoy it already, dammit!
Step 4: Cycle back and forth between Step 2 and 3 for a bit.
Step 5: Consult with therapist about the discomfort I feel for not being more 'productive', and not knowing clearly what I want, because hey, I mean it's been over a month now, where's my enlightenment already??? Discuss many important truths that stem from this pain and discomfort, including its origin and its pervasiveness. No Balinese gurus for me, I have the wisdom of my licensed psychologist, thankyouverymuch!
Step 6: Noodle on themes from therapy, including observing my emotions and reactions without such harsh self judgement and criticism, accepting that I can love who I am, just as I am right in this moment, full of flaws and conflicts and stumbles (e.g. maitri), inviting in my own preferences as being valid, even if they differ from the preferences of others, and generally reflecting on the impermanence of, well, everything. And what the heck, let's share these vulnerabilities of mine in a public digital forum!
Step 7: Did you read step 6? Shit's heavy. I think I better stay on Step 6 for a while, before I try for step 7. And when I do start to tip toe onward, let's be honest, Step 6 is going to be a tandem effort with all other steps, from here on out.
I'm not in the midst of a divorce. Au contraire mon frere! Quite the opposite for this newlywed!
I do not make my living as a writer. No one is paying me for my dazzling prose as I get down and dirty with my amygdala. Very few people are even reading my words (about 9 readers, according to my Google stats -- don't worry, I have no clear way to know who you are, though I can educate a guess that one my mother, one is my sister, and one is my husband...). No matter, since I'm mostly writing for my own amusement anyway versus attempting to achieve some sort of sense of posterity.
However, just as Ms. Gilbert detailed in her acclaimed "Eat, Pray, Love" memoir, I too am searching for that elusive thing called purpose. My version of the journey is just a bit more "everyday average gal", and with considerably less wit, lacking in the charm or any level of profound insight.
Here's where I'm at so far on my magical journey to enlightenment, give or take a few steps and stumbles:
Step 1: Wear stretchy pants daily and watch a lot of TV. Sometimes do laundry, and try not to forget to feed the cats.
Step 2: Feel guilty for wearing stretchy pants and watching a lot of TV daily. Even though I'm doing other stuff too. Come on now, with the Netflixing four straight episodes of Drop Dead Diva. Good lord, it's a cancelled Lifetime show, for the love of Pete! Bad, bad Molly!
Step 3: Screw the guilt! When else will I ever get to sit around and just wear stretchy pants and watch a lot of TV? I don't have any kids! I don't have any major time or life commitments! And, I worked my butt off for years to earn this lazy payout, and I'm going to relax and enjoy it already, dammit!
Step 4: Cycle back and forth between Step 2 and 3 for a bit.
Step 5: Consult with therapist about the discomfort I feel for not being more 'productive', and not knowing clearly what I want, because hey, I mean it's been over a month now, where's my enlightenment already??? Discuss many important truths that stem from this pain and discomfort, including its origin and its pervasiveness. No Balinese gurus for me, I have the wisdom of my licensed psychologist, thankyouverymuch!
Step 6: Noodle on themes from therapy, including observing my emotions and reactions without such harsh self judgement and criticism, accepting that I can love who I am, just as I am right in this moment, full of flaws and conflicts and stumbles (e.g. maitri), inviting in my own preferences as being valid, even if they differ from the preferences of others, and generally reflecting on the impermanence of, well, everything. And what the heck, let's share these vulnerabilities of mine in a public digital forum!
Step 7: Did you read step 6? Shit's heavy. I think I better stay on Step 6 for a while, before I try for step 7. And when I do start to tip toe onward, let's be honest, Step 6 is going to be a tandem effort with all other steps, from here on out.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Month One Recap - Running, Sock Puddles, Par 3s and a Sense8 Plug
How is it July already? June's collection of sunrises and sunsets felt like a flip book, each day a page, turning so effortlessly! While I am still recovering from years of over stress and under concern for what I really want and need to navigate this topsy turvy life maze, the key word is that I am, without a doubt, recovering. And, I'm just beginning to rustle the dust and debris off my psyche, to see what's been hiding underneath.
Health-wise, I'm back in the habit of taking daily vitamins along with my regular meds, which currently consist of plenty of allergy cure-alls, sine mine have been HORRIBLE this year. My little old lady, days-of-the-week pillbox, featuring adorable lady bug renderings on each day box, has been a huge help informing this daily habit (Thanks, B, for picking up that little treasure for your old lady wife!) I'm drinking more water, and I'm getting a full 8 (plus) hours of sleep each night. I'm also meeting with my therapist every week to help me remember that I am allowed to take this time off for myself, that I am worthy of it, and that it's ok to focus on my wants and needs, first and foremost. She helps me with that pesky negative self-talk and quieting those raucous voices that have a tendency to bucket drum and drone and hiss and tsssk inside the old noggin.
During "week the second", I started incorporating daily workouts, and for the past 3 weeks, I've worked out at least 5 times a week, including a mix of 3-4 outdoor runs (I'm training for the SeaWheeze half marathon in VC, BC this coming August), along with 1-2 interval workouts at OrangeTheory (btw, I am obsessed with OTF! And I can tell it's helping to amp up my running game). On my "off" non-workout days, you'll find me at the driving range or more recently, practicing Yoga at my favorite studio, where I started up again this past week.
I am so happy to be running again, and what's especially great about training for a race and not working is that I can fit in my longer training workouts on my favorite lakeshore paths and trails during the work week (usually heading out around 9 or 10 am) -- which means I can avoid the work crowds and the weekend warriors that pack the trails during the early mornings, evenings, and weekends. It's glorious to have my favorite running paths (almost) all to myself!
I am reading a fair amount, though to be honest, nothing all that noteworthy as of late. I keep my reading list up to date on Goodreads, and if you're a big reader and a Goodreads lover like me, then look me up and we can swap titles. My sister just got me a copy of Gretchen Rubin's new book on forming happy, healthy habits, and I'm looking forward to digging into that. I promised my sister I'd read it before we meet up back in MI later this summer (I'll do my best, E!), so I'll probably get cracking this weekend. The book found its way to me with a perfect sense of timing, since I want to use this time off to form new habits that will bring more peace and satisfaction to my daily life.
Speaking of new habits, aside from the ones I've already mentioned, I am working on embedding a daily/weekly household chore routine into my life (thank you, Pinterest, for helping me to put together what appears to be an eventually manageable maintenance schedule). Right now, I'm hit and miss on locking down the chore endeavor. But, that's ok. I'll get there, and I want to get there, because having a clean, orderly home makes me feel like I am taking care of myself, and Brian, too. For the record, Brian is not "off the hook" with chores even though I'm not working, nor did he expect to be, and he is great about pitching in on the weekends (and is still the go-to chef in our house). But I like being able to take more of the pressure off during the work week now that I have the time, so that when he gets home, we can relax together, free of the visual noise of a sink full of dirty dishes or an abandoned sock puddle on the floor (defn of sock puddle: a pile of socks, usually mine, that builds up at the foot of the couch when I inevitably kick them off while watching TV).
I'm starting to jump into new(ish) hobbies and interests with more fervor than I could muster up during my work work work life. For the past ~4 years or so, I've been a passive learner of golf, with sporadic trips to the driving range, and a loosey goosey commitment to the sport. I've gotten to the point where my driving range record is not always horrible, and B took me to golf my 9 holes at a nearby par 3 course. We opted not to keep score (thank goodness!), and although I lost 6 balls (yeah, that's right -- 6 balls lost on a par 3!), I still had a blast and cannot wait to get out their again for another 'whack' at it. I've got the name of an instructor, so I plan to get in a lesson this July to help me adjust my swing, which I've been told is actually pretty good, but I have a tendency to hit a little left, and as a lefty, this means I'm leaving my club face a bit open. And, now that I've finally been out on a course, I have learned that I need to pay a lot more attention to reading distance and adjusting my swing accordingly -- for the record, my revised new favorite club is the pitching wedge. I knew it was versatile, but now I "get" it with much more clarity than before with all of its pitching and and chipping prowess!
In June, I also took a somewhat unplanned trip home to MI. I've got a big trip planned for late July/early August (for 2+ weeks!), but my grandmother died at the end of May (during my last weeks at work, just to add to the stress of my final days), which lead to this added sojourn to the homeland. Our family opted in favor of a smaller, family affair a few weeks after her death (versus a big church funeral), in part to allow some of my family abroad more time to arrange and make the trip. The memorial included a really nice family lunch and a visit to the cemetery to visit my grandmother's grave, and the graves of other family members as well. While death is never easy, I'm so happy my grandmother had 99 years on this earth, and I shared just a few small threads from her life in my previous entry.
Let's see, what else in June...Oh yeah, I ate a lot of ice cream and I watched a lot (lot!) of television - so much that I earned an Xbox "achievement" badge for using Netflix 7 days in a row. I didn't even know that was a thing, and I have an inkling that maybe I shouldn't add that achievement to my LinkedIn profile. Yes, I admit I am a completely TV junkie. TV and reading are my reality escape methods of choice. Anyone looking for a summer TV reco? If so, check out Sense8, one of the newest Netflix original series, developed by the famous Wachowskis (of Matrix fame). The series chronicles the lives of 8 people from different walks of life and from around the world, who discover their lives are interconnected across many dimensions, and in extraordinary ways. Their rare and unusual connection is seen as a threat to some circles, and they learn they must work together to stay in tact (e.g. not get killed). The reviews I've read about the series are polarizing, and I fall firmly on the "like" side of the fence, though at times the sex and violence is a bit much for my taste, and it took a good 4-5 episodes to lay the foundation (e.g. a bit of a slow start). I do have to give an especially rave review for whoever is in charge of the music for this series -- powerful stuff! Is Sense8 available as a Pandora Station? I must investigate this!
...And that, my friends, is more or less how I rocked month one. More adventures, big and small, to come!
Health-wise, I'm back in the habit of taking daily vitamins along with my regular meds, which currently consist of plenty of allergy cure-alls, sine mine have been HORRIBLE this year. My little old lady, days-of-the-week pillbox, featuring adorable lady bug renderings on each day box, has been a huge help informing this daily habit (Thanks, B, for picking up that little treasure for your old lady wife!) I'm drinking more water, and I'm getting a full 8 (plus) hours of sleep each night. I'm also meeting with my therapist every week to help me remember that I am allowed to take this time off for myself, that I am worthy of it, and that it's ok to focus on my wants and needs, first and foremost. She helps me with that pesky negative self-talk and quieting those raucous voices that have a tendency to bucket drum and drone and hiss and tsssk inside the old noggin.
During "week the second", I started incorporating daily workouts, and for the past 3 weeks, I've worked out at least 5 times a week, including a mix of 3-4 outdoor runs (I'm training for the SeaWheeze half marathon in VC, BC this coming August), along with 1-2 interval workouts at OrangeTheory (btw, I am obsessed with OTF! And I can tell it's helping to amp up my running game). On my "off" non-workout days, you'll find me at the driving range or more recently, practicing Yoga at my favorite studio, where I started up again this past week.
I am so happy to be running again, and what's especially great about training for a race and not working is that I can fit in my longer training workouts on my favorite lakeshore paths and trails during the work week (usually heading out around 9 or 10 am) -- which means I can avoid the work crowds and the weekend warriors that pack the trails during the early mornings, evenings, and weekends. It's glorious to have my favorite running paths (almost) all to myself!
I am reading a fair amount, though to be honest, nothing all that noteworthy as of late. I keep my reading list up to date on Goodreads, and if you're a big reader and a Goodreads lover like me, then look me up and we can swap titles. My sister just got me a copy of Gretchen Rubin's new book on forming happy, healthy habits, and I'm looking forward to digging into that. I promised my sister I'd read it before we meet up back in MI later this summer (I'll do my best, E!), so I'll probably get cracking this weekend. The book found its way to me with a perfect sense of timing, since I want to use this time off to form new habits that will bring more peace and satisfaction to my daily life.
Speaking of new habits, aside from the ones I've already mentioned, I am working on embedding a daily/weekly household chore routine into my life (thank you, Pinterest, for helping me to put together what appears to be an eventually manageable maintenance schedule). Right now, I'm hit and miss on locking down the chore endeavor. But, that's ok. I'll get there, and I want to get there, because having a clean, orderly home makes me feel like I am taking care of myself, and Brian, too. For the record, Brian is not "off the hook" with chores even though I'm not working, nor did he expect to be, and he is great about pitching in on the weekends (and is still the go-to chef in our house). But I like being able to take more of the pressure off during the work week now that I have the time, so that when he gets home, we can relax together, free of the visual noise of a sink full of dirty dishes or an abandoned sock puddle on the floor (defn of sock puddle: a pile of socks, usually mine, that builds up at the foot of the couch when I inevitably kick them off while watching TV).
I'm starting to jump into new(ish) hobbies and interests with more fervor than I could muster up during my work work work life. For the past ~4 years or so, I've been a passive learner of golf, with sporadic trips to the driving range, and a loosey goosey commitment to the sport. I've gotten to the point where my driving range record is not always horrible, and B took me to golf my 9 holes at a nearby par 3 course. We opted not to keep score (thank goodness!), and although I lost 6 balls (yeah, that's right -- 6 balls lost on a par 3!), I still had a blast and cannot wait to get out their again for another 'whack' at it. I've got the name of an instructor, so I plan to get in a lesson this July to help me adjust my swing, which I've been told is actually pretty good, but I have a tendency to hit a little left, and as a lefty, this means I'm leaving my club face a bit open. And, now that I've finally been out on a course, I have learned that I need to pay a lot more attention to reading distance and adjusting my swing accordingly -- for the record, my revised new favorite club is the pitching wedge. I knew it was versatile, but now I "get" it with much more clarity than before with all of its pitching and and chipping prowess!
In June, I also took a somewhat unplanned trip home to MI. I've got a big trip planned for late July/early August (for 2+ weeks!), but my grandmother died at the end of May (during my last weeks at work, just to add to the stress of my final days), which lead to this added sojourn to the homeland. Our family opted in favor of a smaller, family affair a few weeks after her death (versus a big church funeral), in part to allow some of my family abroad more time to arrange and make the trip. The memorial included a really nice family lunch and a visit to the cemetery to visit my grandmother's grave, and the graves of other family members as well. While death is never easy, I'm so happy my grandmother had 99 years on this earth, and I shared just a few small threads from her life in my previous entry.
Let's see, what else in June...Oh yeah, I ate a lot of ice cream and I watched a lot (lot!) of television - so much that I earned an Xbox "achievement" badge for using Netflix 7 days in a row. I didn't even know that was a thing, and I have an inkling that maybe I shouldn't add that achievement to my LinkedIn profile. Yes, I admit I am a completely TV junkie. TV and reading are my reality escape methods of choice. Anyone looking for a summer TV reco? If so, check out Sense8, one of the newest Netflix original series, developed by the famous Wachowskis (of Matrix fame). The series chronicles the lives of 8 people from different walks of life and from around the world, who discover their lives are interconnected across many dimensions, and in extraordinary ways. Their rare and unusual connection is seen as a threat to some circles, and they learn they must work together to stay in tact (e.g. not get killed). The reviews I've read about the series are polarizing, and I fall firmly on the "like" side of the fence, though at times the sex and violence is a bit much for my taste, and it took a good 4-5 episodes to lay the foundation (e.g. a bit of a slow start). I do have to give an especially rave review for whoever is in charge of the music for this series -- powerful stuff! Is Sense8 available as a Pandora Station? I must investigate this!
...And that, my friends, is more or less how I rocked month one. More adventures, big and small, to come!
Monday, June 22, 2015
Fortune cookie wisdom
"Unless we change direction, we are likely to end up where we are going."
Truth!
Truth!
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Living La Vida Low Key
I forgot what it was like to wake up each day feeling energized instead of exhausted, and full of hope and possibilities instead of dread and anxiety. It's amazing that after just 2 weeks, my outlook on life is so completely different and so much more positive. I actually had no idea it was possible to feel so...free! So liberated! I know that my "funemployment" is finite (my pockets aren't that deep), and I fully intend to enjoy it to the fullest extent that my circumstances allow.
Even though I'm no longer working, the weekend is still my favorite time of the week, given Brian and all of our friends are busy doing the M-F hustle. And this particular weekend, with its balmy pre-summer breezes and abundance of sunshine, was "on fleek", as the kids say (are the kids still saying that? Or is it onto the next?) Anyway, B and I started off with pool time with a good friend at her condo. A quick mo-so check informed us that Vics, a nearby wine bar/restaurant with a fab outdoor patio was giving away FREE bottles of rose to those who could supply the magic words - and we knew the magic words! And just like that, our evening was planned. After a lazy afternoon of lounging poolside, we took it to the outdoor patio, where our one free bottle of pink quickly turned into 3 subsequent bottles of "interesting whites" and plenty of appetizers. It's been a while since I've had such a fun, spontaneous and tipsy night! And rather miraculously, nary a hangover the next morning.
On Sat, we took advantage of free movie passes that B scored through work to check out the dinos with some friends of ours. My quick and largely uninformative review of Jurassic World - horribly hokey, yet highly entertaining, though not as good as the original Jurassic Park. I was tickled with nostalgia that JW resurrected many elements of the original JP score, because I love me a well-scored movie. So few movies seem to have great scores, opting instead for a soundtrack of trite, syrupy #yuccie tunage. So. All in all, I'd say JW was worth the cost of entry (free, heh). Following the flick, we hit up Tinto Cocina+Cantina, a new taco and tequila bar that popped up recently in Uptownfor margs, guac, dinner and good conversation.
Today, B and I slept in, and then brunched at a neighborhood staple, The Lowbrow, before hitting up the driving range where I rocked my 7 iron (I did not so much rock any other club, ahem). Is it possible to play an entire round of golf with one club? Well, if I were forced to pick once club, it would be seven all the way. We are now enjoying a peaceful evening around the homestead, and may fire up the latest season of Orange is the New Black a little bit later.
All in all, nothing too wild, nothing too extravagant on deck this weekend, but I don't need wild and extravagant. It's these simple, casual and breezy summery weekends, with a blend of downtime and fun with friends, and always with a bottle (or 4) of wine, and a touch of serendipity, that bring me the most satisfaction. Oh, yes.Yes, I could get used to this!
Even though I'm no longer working, the weekend is still my favorite time of the week, given Brian and all of our friends are busy doing the M-F hustle. And this particular weekend, with its balmy pre-summer breezes and abundance of sunshine, was "on fleek", as the kids say (are the kids still saying that? Or is it onto the next?) Anyway, B and I started off with pool time with a good friend at her condo. A quick mo-so check informed us that Vics, a nearby wine bar/restaurant with a fab outdoor patio was giving away FREE bottles of rose to those who could supply the magic words - and we knew the magic words! And just like that, our evening was planned. After a lazy afternoon of lounging poolside, we took it to the outdoor patio, where our one free bottle of pink quickly turned into 3 subsequent bottles of "interesting whites" and plenty of appetizers. It's been a while since I've had such a fun, spontaneous and tipsy night! And rather miraculously, nary a hangover the next morning.
On Sat, we took advantage of free movie passes that B scored through work to check out the dinos with some friends of ours. My quick and largely uninformative review of Jurassic World - horribly hokey, yet highly entertaining, though not as good as the original Jurassic Park. I was tickled with nostalgia that JW resurrected many elements of the original JP score, because I love me a well-scored movie. So few movies seem to have great scores, opting instead for a soundtrack of trite, syrupy #yuccie tunage. So. All in all, I'd say JW was worth the cost of entry (free, heh). Following the flick, we hit up Tinto Cocina+Cantina, a new taco and tequila bar that popped up recently in Uptownfor margs, guac, dinner and good conversation.
Today, B and I slept in, and then brunched at a neighborhood staple, The Lowbrow, before hitting up the driving range where I rocked my 7 iron (I did not so much rock any other club, ahem). Is it possible to play an entire round of golf with one club? Well, if I were forced to pick once club, it would be seven all the way. We are now enjoying a peaceful evening around the homestead, and may fire up the latest season of Orange is the New Black a little bit later.
All in all, nothing too wild, nothing too extravagant on deck this weekend, but I don't need wild and extravagant. It's these simple, casual and breezy summery weekends, with a blend of downtime and fun with friends, and always with a bottle (or 4) of wine, and a touch of serendipity, that bring me the most satisfaction. Oh, yes.Yes, I could get used to this!
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Embracing a Little "Hocus Pocus"
Why is it that I never tire of taking personality assessments? To me, reading the results of a personality test is kind of like reading a horoscope, or getting a "reading" from an a psychic or other intuitive. For the record, I've participated in "intuitive readings" twice, for fun. One reading I had was with a pet psychic several years ago - yes you read that right - and the other was just a few weeks ago with an "energy" reader in Chicago, which was fascinating (and worth a separate entry).
I get it, maybe it's not altogether a fair comparison, what with the principles of the science of psychology backing the whole personality test gig, compared to, say, tea leaves, crystal balls, decks of cards, celestial bodies and other such imaginative rigmarole that accompanies horoscopes and psychics and whatnot. But regardless of the source, those kernels of wisdom can feel so uniquely suited to me, all the while still feeling like hocus pocus - even the personality assessments (sorry, Carl Jung).
I've taken the Myers Briggs in various capacities probably a dozen times, almost always resulting in the somewhat rare "INFJ" (supposedly, less than 2% of the population shares this personality type). On those other occasions, it's only a slight variation of "INTJ."
This afternoon, I took a yet another (free) Myers Briggs based assessment online called 16 Personalities. Once again, my result came back as "INFJ-T" (Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging, Turbulent). This assessment also gave me some new labels to explore, including "Advocate", and "Diplomat" with a strategy of "Constant Improvement." You can learn more about the different personality type indicators here.
This particular version also shares your personality profile outcomes according to several different topics, including personality type strengths and weaknesses, impact on romantic relationships, friendships, career and workplace, and a "premium" teaser to entice the test taker to level up and pay for more content. I was particularly stricken by my INFJ assessment outlined the career section, and here's a direct excerpt of my career results from the 16 Personalities website previously cited:
INFJs are likely to find that most corporate career paths are not designed for them, but for those focused on status and material gain....Many INFJs struggle to begin a career early on because they see ten wildly different paths forward, each with its own intrinsic rewards, alluring but also heartbreaking, because each means abandoning so much else. People with the INFJ personality type are more likely to, despite their aversion to controlling others, establish their independence by either finding a leadership position, or simply starting their own practice. As independents, sole proprietors in the parlance of business, INFJs are free to follow their hearts, applying their personal touch, creativity and altruism to everything they do. INFJs often pursue expressive careers such as writing, elegant communicators that they are, and author many popular blogs, stories and screenplays.
An Advocate is a rare bird, indeed – making up only 1 to 2 percent of the population, it is no wonder that many Advocates, surrounded by so many people who are so unlike them, begin to feel lost. Some struggle for much of their lives, trying to be something they’re not...strong-willed, passionate, creative, giving individuals who nevertheless felt like something was missing.
I get it, maybe it's not altogether a fair comparison, what with the principles of the science of psychology backing the whole personality test gig, compared to, say, tea leaves, crystal balls, decks of cards, celestial bodies and other such imaginative rigmarole that accompanies horoscopes and psychics and whatnot. But regardless of the source, those kernels of wisdom can feel so uniquely suited to me, all the while still feeling like hocus pocus - even the personality assessments (sorry, Carl Jung).
I've taken the Myers Briggs in various capacities probably a dozen times, almost always resulting in the somewhat rare "INFJ" (supposedly, less than 2% of the population shares this personality type). On those other occasions, it's only a slight variation of "INTJ."
This afternoon, I took a yet another (free) Myers Briggs based assessment online called 16 Personalities. Once again, my result came back as "INFJ-T" (Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging, Turbulent). This assessment also gave me some new labels to explore, including "Advocate", and "Diplomat" with a strategy of "Constant Improvement." You can learn more about the different personality type indicators here.
This particular version also shares your personality profile outcomes according to several different topics, including personality type strengths and weaknesses, impact on romantic relationships, friendships, career and workplace, and a "premium" teaser to entice the test taker to level up and pay for more content. I was particularly stricken by my INFJ assessment outlined the career section, and here's a direct excerpt of my career results from the 16 Personalities website previously cited:
INFJs are likely to find that most corporate career paths are not designed for them, but for those focused on status and material gain....Many INFJs struggle to begin a career early on because they see ten wildly different paths forward, each with its own intrinsic rewards, alluring but also heartbreaking, because each means abandoning so much else. People with the INFJ personality type are more likely to, despite their aversion to controlling others, establish their independence by either finding a leadership position, or simply starting their own practice. As independents, sole proprietors in the parlance of business, INFJs are free to follow their hearts, applying their personal touch, creativity and altruism to everything they do. INFJs often pursue expressive careers such as writing, elegant communicators that they are, and author many popular blogs, stories and screenplays.
Well! OK then! That all sounds pretty spot on to me. And then I got to the "premium" portion of the profile -- another excerpt here:
Yep yep yep! On the money! Maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see, and maybe I'm just looking for more affirmation that my recent decision to vacate my career is the right one...but still, they sold me...hook line and sinker.
There goes $32.99....and now, please excuse me, my 100 page "premium" download is ready, and I have some more reading to do! Off to explore those deep chasms within (that sounds dirty! heee!)
There goes $32.99....and now, please excuse me, my 100 page "premium" download is ready, and I have some more reading to do! Off to explore those deep chasms within (that sounds dirty! heee!)
Friday, June 5, 2015
Throwing Away the Scorecard
More often than not, in pretty much every area of my life, I have
chosen to play by the rules.
As a kid, I bought into the mentality that
if I achieved good grades, listened to adults, and more or less stayed out of
trouble, then "the good life" could be mine. I based my self-worth in
achieving the "A." I rarely rocked the boat, and I felt anxious when
others around me would test the boundaries.
I was (am) a perfectionist. I was (am) a
control freak. I was suffocating myself trying to keep my shit together at all
times, even when I had every justifiable reason to just go ahead and lose my
shit. And, oh man, the guilt and the shame that would soon follow my inevitable
shit-losing sessions...
As an adult, this mindset has manifested
itself in a similar way. While my perfectionism has receded somewhat, and I am
more willing to rock the boat when I think the situation necessitates, I am
still very much wrapped up in state of mind that suggests my self-worth is
defined by a certain level of productivity, the degree of accomplishments I can
rack up, and keeping face.
Case in point, this week B observed an emerging pattern of
behavior I've exhibited each day. Almost as soon as he walks in the door from
work, I start by rattling off my minor "successes" for the day.
"B, guess what. I did the dishes and ran the laundry. I have spicy chicken
in the crock pot for tacos tonight." I then follow it up with a
sheepish confession. "But...I read a book in bed until almost noon, and
then I watched 4 consecutive episodes of the Real Housewives....and I ate ice
cream for lunch."
His response, paraphrased, but more or
less, "That's great, Molly, and dinner sounds good to me. Thanks for
taking care of the laundry. But you know you don't have to keep a scorecard.
It's ok right now to just relax. Wasn't that supposed to be
a part of your time out? I think it's good that you're watching TV and reading
and decompressing. Don't feel like you need to hit some quota of
accomplishments each day, for my benefit."
Wise words those are, from my dear
husband, who knows me so darn well. Because he's right. It's ok for me to stop
looking for that gold star of approval, and I don't need to be caught up in
proving my worthiness to others at all times.
Yes, defining and achieving goals is a
good thing. Doing things for others is a good thing. And, keeping our shit
together is often a necessary thing.
But, sometimes it’s ok to go ahead and
lose that shit. It’s ok to adopt a temporary vegetative state now and again to
watch frivolous TV and eat a fucking Hostess cupcake without feeling like the
worst person in the world for doing so. It’s ok to turn inward to listen to
your own voice instead of always looking outward for some kind of validation.
It's ok to do the opposite of what is expected of us, sometimes anyway.
And, that's a big part of why I'm taking
this time out. I need to care enough about myself to figure I really want and
need out of life, fearlessly and selfishly, listening to my own voice. And right now the first step
toward doing that means a legit, hedonistic chillax session, without trying to
justify it or worrying about it seeming irresponsible or “wrong” in some way.
So, for now, I’m not going to pay much
attention to the rule book. I'm not concentrating on figuring out the “right” next steps or solving the puzzle. I’m
finished keeping a scorecard. I’m going to take some days on my own terms,
which today means heading to yoga, maybe making some cookies and eating a bunch
of them myself, and taking an afternoon nap with my cats. No guilt. No shame. Just me.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Stopping the Clock
This past Friday was my last day at work. I decided to leave my job without another one lined up, and with a tentative plan to remain out of the earning sphere for the rest of 2015.
I have spent the past 13 years building a career as a strategy consultant and consumer researcher, and a successful one at that, when success is defined by promotions, salary milestones, the "bigness" and "high-powered-ness" of the employers on my resume and the clients I have served (and the "perks" that can accompany those types of businesses), and my degree of impact on several well-known consumer brands in the form of marketplace communication and product innovation. But my career success has come with a certain (high) degree of stress and sacrifice in other areas of my life that I'm not sure I see myself maintaining for the rest of my working days. And, there are other definitions of success that I'd like to explore with more depth than I have so far.
Therefore, I'm hitting the pause button to reassess my career path, personal values, motivators and interests and to determine types of contributions I am best equipped to make to the world.
I am a plodder and a thinker (an over-thinker extraordinaire, if I'm honest), and frankly, a late bloomer in every sense of the word. I need this halt. I need this drastic measure. I have worked extremely hard, I have saved like crazy, and I have the incredible support of my husband (and yes, also an unearned degree of privilege) to be able to take this professional time out with limited concern for any personal financial repercussions.
I appreciate all of the encouragement and positive reactions that have come my way since sharing my decision with friends, family, mentors and colleagues. I expected to be on the receiving end of some negative judgment for my decision, which probably says something more about my insecurities than anything, and I am thankful that has not been the case.
My intention is to document my experience as it unfolds, and if it feels right, I'll share updates here on my little blog. I don't know how this experiment in focused self-discovery is going to shake out, but I'm certain it will come with a mix of highs and lows, adventure and monotony, and a bunch of other dichotomies and duality that may or may not be interesting to anyone else but me. Please check in with me (directly or through the blog) if you're so inclined, and I promise to do the same.
Here we go!
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